58 Days Later

Today is a milestone to commemorate. After 58 days of chest ABD pad changes and irritated skin from paper tape, I now must uncover and expose the ugly surgical area to the air. Oh, it’s definitely a positive on this road to recovery yet somehow I liked that it was covered. It has been 5 or 6 hours now, no stretchy front closure bra under my sweatshirt. No itchy tape on my neck. Only one breast and the remnants of incisions and the discolored surface of skin that used to be on my right thigh. 

One would think it would feel good. However, now the sense of a plate of armor where my right breast used to be seems pronounced. I think the uncomfortableness of the paper tape pulling on my skin distracted me from what is actually left behind after this radical mastectomy. I don’t like it. I still don’t want to see it. It’s inevitable now. There’s no ignoring it. 

It will happen. I will eventually take care of it myself, cleanse the area, slather it with Aquaphor. No, I will. For now, Caroline is patient with me. She will continue to gently apply Aquaphor. She will continue to see it, touch it, take care of it. “When you’re ready, Mom,” she says.

Fifty-eight days after surgery, I can go a day without shedding tears, and I am pain-free and very thankful. Somehow an optimism is creeping into my thinking. Optimism that a day will come when I will be adjusted to this new body, that I will make peace with what is left in place of my right breast.