Thursday, September 17, 2009

What's In the Silence?

I'm amazed it's been a whole week since I've felt inspired to express myself here. A number of years ago during one of my many stops to browse in Barnes & Noble, I happened on a book about harvesting journals. It has some great ideas of how to revisit old journals and find new writing projects among them. Considering I have journaled for the majority of my adult life beginning with the birth of our first child, someone someday will either be very intriqued by them as I was with my great grandmother's diaries and my grandmothers' journals, or they might make a nice bonfire!

One take-away thought from the book that stuck with me is the idea to explore areas of silence in my journals--what is not recorded and why. For instance, my progeny will find next to nothing about my marriage except what a devoted husband I have who has worked hard and supported his family without fail. My journals are full of my own musings about walking with God, learning about my own areas of growth in my life, and lots of gratitude for God's amazing provision for all aspects of my life.

So this morning after my seven days of silence on this blog, I wonder why? What have I left out? The fact is these were some of the most difficult seven days yet since I began treatment. Stuck inside this house for days on end, staring at the same walls, struggling to eat and drink, I mostly lounged on the couch in between times to nurse a bleeding hemorrhoid and make sure I was taking the right balance of laxatives and stool softeners. I had no energy for nor interest in the computer or checking email. I watched back-to-back episodes of The Peoples Court during the mid-to-late morning timeslots, only to find nothing at all I wanted to watch. So with a click on the remote, silence filled the room. No energy to get up, I continued to lay there and stare off in space, feel my frustration, wipe tears so I could check the clock and hope time was passing quickly so this day would be over and I'd be one day closer to feeling better. I spent many hours doing just that, sometimes I listened to my Ipod which blessed me by putting me to sleep.

Every night, I fall asleep as I ponder the words in The Lord's Prayer and then imagine myself as my little granddaughter, Anna Mae, snuggled up in her mother's bosom without a care in the world, her every need to sustain her life within her mother's power to provide. It's a maternal image of God that is very real to me and I know God is without gender and right now I need Mother God. I've known Father God for over 30 years and know His loving care and protection. I need Mother God's nurturing, comforting embrace right now. It sustains me. I love falling asleep in Her loving embrace.

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